I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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