You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
