Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
