I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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