I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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