We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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