Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
