swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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