I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
