Got a toothbrush?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
