If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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