So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
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Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
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He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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