I'm really into asian looking animals
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
As shirtless as possible
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
