Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You took a bar mat shot.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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