I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
