cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
