I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
