remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
