My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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