he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
