I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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