neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
