Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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