the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
