btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
