1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
