Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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