what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
