he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
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