I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
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And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
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Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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