Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
