Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
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You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
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