My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
