I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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