I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
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Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
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And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I want a musical about memes.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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