Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
