I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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