I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just want to make out with him forever
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
