giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Randomize
