and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
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i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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