I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
