I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
