She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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