Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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