I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
