Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
