i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
