Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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