The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
