I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
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